Peanuts by Wyatt Tremblay

In the vast space between all that is, rests the universe. Within its unfathomable depths are galaxies far too numerous to be counted by mere mortals. One of these massive clusters of stars, a spiral galaxy, is known as the Milky Way. On one of its arms, on the outermost edge, is a tiny and somewhat remote planetary system known as Sol. The third planet in the system is inhabited by a feisty assortment of creatures great and small, of varied and immensely diverse species. The most dominant of these are known as humans. These humans believe they rule the planet and for the most part live and use the Earth as if they do. They also tend to kill each other with a rather shameless abandon.

Common among these humans is the belief that they and they alone are the centre of the universe and that all that is was created specifically for their pleasure and consumption. For eon, many of this bipedal species have stood under the sun by day and the moon and stars by night and assumed its gloriously serene majesty was created solely to shine upon them. However, this is not true.

The universe in all its spectacular glory, and unfathomable mystery is really about peanuts.

It began this way: One day, the Most Holy One, the maker of all that was, is and will be, was sitting upon the throne of Heaven, though this is really an anthropomorphism as the Most Holy One is not confined within the constructs of day or night, nor does the Most Holy One need a throne to sit upon. But, for the sake of our story, we will tell it this way.

The Most Holy One was contemplating all that is, all that was, and all that will be and was enjoying this immensely when suddenly the Most Holy One sat forward and said, “Peanuts.”

Lucifer, who had been sitting next to the throne, plunking away on an amazing creation of his own, a thousand string lute, amplified through a unique harmonic resonance of his own making, looked confused at the Most Holy One and said, “Peanuts?”

“Yes,” said the Most Holy One, “Peanuts.”

“Peanuts, m’ Lord?” chimed in Gabriel, Heaven’s Chief Warrior, as he swept into the throne room, folding his wings majestically behind him. He had just returned from a tour of all that is.

“Yes, peanuts,” The Most Holy One repeated, a finger tapping the Most Holy One’s chin in thought.

“I want peanuts,” Lucifer demanded, suddenly rising, his eyes blazing with the possibilities of possessing peanuts, though he had no idea what peanuts actually were.

“All that I am and have is yours, Lucifer.” The Most Holy One reassured him, “Except, perhaps, this one thing.”

Lucifer plopped grumpily back down and picked up his magnificent lute, though he did not play it as his thoughts were captivated by the beauty of peanuts, though he still had no idea what a peanut was.

“Begging your pardon, m’ Lord,” Gabriel said, “What exactly are peanuts?”

The Most Holy One smiled delightfully and the heavens rippled with praise and song, “Ah, peanuts, perhaps the most versatile of all my creations. One may cook with them, eat them raw, baked, deep fried, dry roasted, blended with many and varied forms of cookie and bread dough, or ground up into a wonderful paste called peanut butter…”

“You have created this wonderful thing?” Lucifer interrupted, his eyes wide and his mouth twitching with lust.

The Most Holy One turned to Heaven’s Chief Musician and said, “Not yet, but I shall.”

“What is a peanut, m’ Lord?” Gabriel asked again, sitting gracefully at the foot of the One he loved and served.

“Ah, it is a plant.” The Most Holy One mused wistfully.

“A plant? What, m’ Lord is a plant?”

The Most Holy One stood, and ascended from the throne. The heavens shook, and all that is paused from its business, and myriad angels held their collective breath as the Most Holy One raised a hand in explanation, “Why, a plant is a creation that grows upon the soil where it finds nutrients to live and produce after its own kind.”

“Soil?” Lucifer echoed.

“Nutrients?” said Gabriel, chewing on the word, one he had never heard before.

The Most Holy One allowed a holy glance to fall upon the two angels at the Most Holy One’s feet, and said, “Yes. I see. All this I speak of has not come to be. I must create all that is necessary to grow peanuts.

And, without further comment, the Most Holy One strode to the edge of all that is and spoke into the nothingness that was there. With each word that left the Most Holy One’s mouth, the cosmos began to swirl and take shape and soon from the nothingness came all that now is. The universe, galaxies, quasars, pulsars, black holes, solar systems and upon the majestic arm of one of these galaxies, the planetary system known as Sol. With a final word, Earth formed and upon this ball of soil, a single plant sprung to life, grew rapidly and immediately withered and died.

“That didn’t go so well,” Lucifer spoke impudently from beside the Most Holy One. He was about to give the Most Holy One some advice on creating things when Gabriel smacked him on the back of his angelic head to silence him.

The Most Holy One crossed the Most Holy One’s arms and thought. Then, the Most Holy One spoke, “I see the problem, the plant can not exist on its own. It needs other created things to assist it to thrive and grow.”

Then the Most Holy One spoke to the third planet from Sol and immediately other created things sprang forth. Plant things, trees, shrubs, grasses, and flowers as many and varied as the colours of the rainbow; and crawling things, flying things, swimming things and things that walked on four legs, six legs, a hundred legs, and many other things to numerable to be counted by mere mortals. The Earth rapidly grew in splendid shades and hues of green and brown and the waters above and below teemed with life and the lands, both high and low, became an ecosystem of immense complexity and astounding beauty. Within this menagerie of life a garden formed and at its centre, a magnificent peanut plant grew and bloomed and flourished with life, yielding abundance unrivaled by any other living thing.

Lucifer, thinking his master had truly lost his Holy mind, scratched his own head in confusion. “Is all this, that you have created by your word, for the benefit of this one peanut plant?”

Gabriel was about to smack his fellow angel again when the Most Holy One held a holy hand up to still them both, “It is all quite simple. In order for the peanut plant to grow and thrive it must not do so alone. All that you see before you is part of one complete circle of life that adds to and contributes to the flourishing of the peanut.”

“Huh?” Lucifer smacked his own head this time.

The Most Holy One smiled delightfully and the heavens thundered with praise and joyous songs, “Listen, Lucifer, and learn. The sun shines upon the Earth, causing growth of all that is of the kind called plants. Winged creatures and walking creatures eat of the plants and drink of the waters. They then eliminate what their bodies can not use upon the soil…”

“Eliminate?” Lucifer cut in, his face twisting into a look of utter disgust.

The Most Holy One was not perturbed by Lucifer’s insolence, “Yes, eliminate. Ingenious, isn’t it?”

Lucifer shrugged, smirking and ducking another swing from Gabriel.

The Most Holy One continued, “All living things eliminate upon the soil and in the waters, re-energizing the nutrients there within, nourishing all plants that eventually wither and die upon the soil and in the waters, further nourishing the peanut plant. Watch and see.”

They watched and it was so. Flying things ate of the plants and creatures of the sea, their dropping falling to the earth, replenishing the soil. Walking and crawling things ate of the bounty of the Earth and they too left nutrients for the soil needed for the growth of the peanut plant. All was connected, and all was needed. The flying things needed the swimming things; the crawling and walking things needs the flying things; all was a magnificent and cleverly designed cycle of existence designed to replenish the earth so the Most Holy One’s peanut plant could flourish. Gabriel was impressed. Lucifer, however, had crossed his arms, and was sporting a frown so deep it could be seen clear across the universe.

“You have a question?” the Most Holy One asked of Heaven’s Chief Musician.

Lucifer, who wasn’t the clearest of thinkers even on a good day, seemed positively delighted with the thought that was traipsing through his celestial brain, “All this is fine and wonderful and indeed quite clever, but I do not see enough intelligence among all that you have created to harvest these peanuts you so desire nor to make this thing you call peanut butter. Unless, of course, you the Most Holy One plan to harvest peanuts yourself.”

Gabriel’s mighty fist formed into a ball and was aiming it squarely at Lucifer’s head when the Most Holy One again held a holy hand up, “A legitimate question, Lucifer, and one I am about to answer.”

The Most Holy One bent down upon the Earth, where all of creation paused in hushed reverence, both great and small, to observe. The Most Holy One scoped up nutrient rich soil and formed it, shaping it in appearance not unlike that of one of the angels, and breathed the Most Holy One’s very essence into the form. The thing sprang to life and the Most Holy One named the being, Adam. The Most Holy One then commanded him to tend the Most Holy One’s garden and specifically to not eat of the peanut plant at the centre of the garden, as this plant was for the Most Holy One and the Most Holy One alone. It was a grim command, one which all of Heaven and Earth heard and revered.

This seemed to be the end of the matter for all concerned in Heaven or Earth until one day the man called to the Most Holy One and said, “Everything here is wonderful. All you have created has a place and a mate and you have your peanuts and your peanut butter, but I am alone.”

The Most Holy One smiled delightfully and the heavens burst into exultant praise and song, “You are correct in saying so, Adam. Sleep now and I will make you a friend and helper to assist you with my garden and in growing my peanuts.”

Adam slept and the Most Holy One formed Eve and all was well and complete in the garden and soon the Most Holy One was shelling and eating peanuts upon the throne of Heaven and enjoying the decadent spread the Most Holy One called peanut butter. Lucifer, however, was unhappy about all this. He wanted peanuts. He wanted peanut butter. Oh yes, he thought secretly, I have all that the Most Holy One is, but I do not have peanuts or peanut butter. An insidious and insurrectionary plot began to form in the jealous head of Heaven’s Chief Musician.

Lucifer found Adam tending the garden and approached him, “Tell me, Adam, whom the Most Holy One created from the nutrient rich soil of earth, are you happy?”

“Oh yes, quite so,” Adam said, “I have all I need.”

“Do you indeed?”

Adam nodded his head vigorously, repeating with the utmost confidence, “Indeed, I have all I need.”

Lucifer smiled craftily, “Ah, but do you have peanuts?”

Adam seemed quite shocked by this question, “Goodness no. Peanuts are for the Most Holy One and the Most Holy One alone.”

Seeing that Adam was not easily swayed from his loyalty to the commands of the Most Holy One, Lucifer searched through the garden for Eve. He found her sitting in the midst of the flourishing peanut crop admiring the leafy plants. She had heard of peanut butter, but Adam had forbidden her to partake of its rumoured delectable glories.

“Dearest Eve,” Lucifer began, “I see you and I are much alike.”

Eve peered at Lucifer. She had seen him roaming the garden many times, and it was obvious they were not at all alike, but she was curious, “In what way are we alike?”

Lucifer smiled, “We both want peanuts.”

Eve stood up, and quickly looked about, “Oh no. Peanuts are not for us. They are for the Most Holy One and…”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Lucifer interrupted curtly, making quotation marks in the air with his long, slender fingers, “Peanuts are for the Most Holy One and the Most Holy One alone.”

Eve giggled at his impertinence, but then fixed her troubled gaze on this being from elsewhere, “Why do you talk this way?”

Lucifer sidled up to her, draping a lithe arm across her shoulders, “Tell me, Eve. Has the Most Holy One ever told you personally that you couldn’t eat peanuts?”

Eve pondered this for a moment, “Why, I suppose not. The Most Holy One told Adam, and Adam told me.”

“So,” Lucifer grinned, knowing he had hit the jackpot with Eve, “It’s really a guy kind of thing, isn’t it? I’m a guy, Gab’s a guy, Adam’s a guy, and us guys aren’t supposed to eat peanuts.”

Well this made perfect sense to Eve and she began to munch on peanuts but didn’t like them raw, so she cooked up a whole bushel and made several vats of creamy peanut butter. Lucifer, grinning so deeply and devilishly that it could be seen clear across the galaxy, glided with an air of victory into the throne room of the Most Holy One.

“I have very disturbing and terrible news, Most Holy One. The being you created, Eve, has eaten your peanuts.”

The Most Holy One stood up and looked upon the Earth and saw that it was so. Eve had indeed eaten the Most Holy One’s peanuts and had made peanut butter from them and was even now offering this to Adam who ate as well. The Most Holy One was very displeased with this turn of events, though the Most Holy One was not surprised, as the Most Holy One knew full well the allure of peanuts.

“Oh dear,” Lucifer gushed, clasping his hands across his heart, “Now, Most Holy One, you must destroy all you have created upon the Earth.” For, he reasoned to himself, if Heaven’s Chief Musician couldn’t have peanuts, then neither could the Most Holy One.

However, there is a reason the Most Holy One is the Most Holy One. The heavens resonated with jubilant praise and rapturous song as the Most Holy One smiled. Lucifer saw this and was rather confused by the Most Holy One’s response, but only for a moment, as he suddenly found himself propelled clear across the universe by a staggeringly painful kick from the foot of Heaven’s Chief Warrior. Slapping his hands together like he’d just carried the trash out, Gabriel turned to the Most Holy One and asked, “Now what?”

The Most Holy One smiled once again, and once again the heavens responded with anthems of praise and rousing chorus, “My son will fix this. He loves peanuts, too.”

So, you see, no matter how much you want to believe all of creation is about you and for you, it really is about the peanuts.

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